Life, Love, Marriage

How Not to ______ in Front of Your Husband

Before I got married, a lot of the already-marrieds freaked me out about marriage.

It didn’t bother me that I would be with one man for the rest of eternity (that’s actually extremely thrilling). It didn’t bother me that we might be poor or have disagreements. It didn’t bother me that he might leave the toilet seat up or that we’d have to work hard to make each other happy.

That all sounded delightful (and it is). But what bothered me was everyone telling me that we would pass gas and go to the bathroom in front of each other—that it was not only normal but inevitable.

That’s where I drew the line. So here’s Shelbey’s official guide for How Not to Toot/Pee/Poop in Front of Your Husband:

Step #1: Don’t do it.

That’s it. Before you accuse me of being too old-fashioned (although, to be truthful, I am), let me explain. Husbands are this really unique and wonderful combination between being your best friend—who will truly love you no matter what you do (gas or no gas)—and being your lover, whom you wouldn’t mind finding you attractive at absolutely all times. And there’s sort of this pendulum that swings back and forth between the two. So that being said, if you’re married and you and your husband are totally comfortable letting it rip in front of each other, you keep doing your thing. However, I decided that my thing was to maintain as much of my mystique as possible (which is pretty hard, given that I look like the living dead in the mornings and cry over just about everything).

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Trying to pick your wife’s nose in public: also not okay.

 

But back to the first and only step: don’t do it. I do realize that it is sometimes easier said than done, so here are some tips for accomplishing it:

If you need to go #1, 2, or 3 . . .
– Having your husband walk in on you is 100% preventable. Lock the door to the bathroom when you’re using the toilet (it’s really that simple) and preferably turn on the fan.

If you need to pass some you-know-what . . . 
– Do it while you’re in the bathroom
– Leave the room
– Do it quietly, if you’re pretty certain it won’t smell
– Hold it in until he leaves the room
– Do it somewhere he won’t notice, like on a walk or in a crowd

So with those in mind, you too can avoid bodily functions in front of your husband. But heaven knows there ain’t nothing that can be done while you’re asleep.

(Married [or not married] people: I’d love to hear you weigh in on the matter.)

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