The Bella Swan in Me

I’ve realized a few things over the past year. One of them is that I’m clumsy. I never considered clumsiness among my traits—that’s way too Bella Swan for me. But once I got married and another human was able to observe me around the clock, I had to face the music, whatever that means. Here’s a list of things I’ve broken/ruined since I got married:

  1. Drinking glasses. I can’t even count how many of my own, plus at least one of my mother-in-law’s.
  2. Blinds. I just pulled on them and they snapped in half. I mean, I don’t even work out or anything.
  3. Dress. I tried to cut a little string hanging off of my dress. I cut off the string and some of the dress, too.
  4. Mirror. There I was, just trying to open the mirrored medicine cabinet door, when it came off in my hand. I wish I could say that was the first time Nathanael woke up to the sound of crashing.
  5. Microwave. Did you know that if you turn on a microwave without putting anything in it, it will overheat and never work again? I know that now.
  6. Car. Okay, I didn’t break a car. I didn’t even scratch it. But that’s probably what should’ve happened when I backed our car into the other car parked right behind it in our driveway. I wish I could say that was the first time I’ve done that.
  7. Phone. The first time was when I dropped it on our concrete patio in California. The screen shattered, but it was otherwise fine. Then I had the brilliant idea of resting it on top of the refrigerator while charging it. When I opened the refrigerator door, it pulled the phone down with it. The screen shattered more and turned all sorts of fun colors.
  8. Lawn mower.  Don’t mow over rocks, people. It might cause your lawn mower to stop working and emit dark smoke. Luckily, it started working again.
  9. Garments. For those of you who don’t know, some Mormons wear special underclothing to remind them of covenants they’ve made to God. They’re supposed to stay as white as possible. Well, I made the mistake of washing a load of whites in the same washing machine in which I had just washed my freshly dyed, fuschia duvet cover. That’s a recipe for pink garments, if anyone was wondering (don’t worry, they have a magical substance called dye remover).
  10. Sweat suit. Speaking of pink, I have a hot pink velour sweat suit that I’m not ashamed to wear. A voice in the back of my mind told me it wasn’t a good idea to wear it while staining a bed frame with mahogany stain. I don’t often listen to that voice. (Okay, it’s time to stop embarrassing myself with my explanations…)
  11. Zipper skirt
  12. Christmas lights (smashed)
  13. Vase (smashed)
  14. Blouse (ripped [again])
  15. Door handle (at my parents’ house…)
  16. Picture frame (glass smashed)
  17. Hose (ran over it in the driveway)

Luckily, I have a terrible memory, so I can only remember 17 things.


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