I’ve realized a few things over the past year. One of them is that I’m clumsy. I never considered clumsiness among my traits—that’s way too Bella Swan for me. But once I got married and another human was able to observe me around the clock, I had to face the music, whatever that means. Here’s a list of things I’ve broken/ruined since I got married:
- Drinking glasses. I can’t even count how many of my own, plus at least one of my mother-in-law’s.
- Blinds. I just pulled on them and they snapped in half. I mean, I don’t even work out or anything.
- Dress. I tried to cut a little string hanging off of my dress. I cut off the string and some of the dress, too.
- Mirror. There I was, just trying to open the mirrored medicine cabinet door, when it came off in my hand. I wish I could say that was the first time Nathanael woke up to the sound of crashing.
- Microwave. Did you know that if you turn on a microwave without putting anything in it, it will overheat and never work again? I know that now.
- Car. Okay, I didn’t break a car. I didn’t even scratch it. But that’s probably what should’ve happened when I backed our car into the other car parked right behind it in our driveway. I wish I could say that was the first time I’ve done that.
- Phone. The first time was when I dropped it on our concrete patio in California. The screen shattered, but it was otherwise fine. Then I had the brilliant idea of resting it on top of the refrigerator while charging it. When I opened the refrigerator door, it pulled the phone down with it. The screen shattered more and turned all sorts of fun colors.
- Lawn mower. Don’t mow over rocks, people. It might cause your lawn mower to stop working and emit dark smoke. Luckily, it started working again.
- Garments. For those of you who don’t know, some Mormons wear special underclothing to remind them of covenants they’ve made to God. They’re supposed to stay as white as possible. Well, I made the mistake of washing a load of whites in the same washing machine in which I had just washed my freshly dyed, fuschia duvet cover. That’s a recipe for pink garments, if anyone was wondering (don’t worry, they have a magical substance called dye remover).
- Sweat suit. Speaking of pink, I have a hot pink velour sweat suit that I’m not ashamed to wear. A voice in the back of my mind told me it wasn’t a good idea to wear it while staining a bed frame with mahogany stain. I don’t often listen to that voice. (Okay, it’s time to stop embarrassing myself with my explanations…)
- Zipper skirt
- Christmas lights (smashed)
- Vase (smashed)
- Blouse (ripped [again])
- Door handle (at my parents’ house…)
- Picture frame (glass smashed)
- Hose (ran over it in the driveway)
Luckily, I have a terrible memory, so I can only remember 17 things.